How to Solve the Relationship Problem Through Communication Now?

On a Sunday afternoon, Jenny was extremely tired after a long day of chores that began early in the morning. She had prepared meals, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, and finished the laundry. Jenny couldn’t understand why all the housework seemed to fall solely on her shoulders. When she asked her husband for help, he appeared uninterested in doing anything.

Jenny:

You’re doing nothing all day long as if this family is none of your business. I am busy with chores and children. How about you? Playing video games is your full-time job!

John (Jenny’s husband):

Why are you yelling at me? Am I wrong to spend my free time doing what I love to do after a long day of work?

Jenny:

Have you listened my words? 

Peter (Jenny’s friend) is a policeman, working longer hours than you, but he is so considerate to help his wife to do the chores every weekend.

John:

If Peter is so good, why don’t you marry him instead of me?!

Jenny:

What are you talking about?

That’s all. I can take no more.

You know what? The worst decision in my life that I ever made was marrying you.

You are always right. At least, you think so.

When you believe your husband is wrong, you push harder, throw out tantrums, you shout. He responds with even more resistance, triggering his defensive mode and shutting you out. Our certainty of rightness is what makes heated arguments heated.  Your frustration becomes complaints; grudges become insulting words; helplessness becomes sarcastic.  As a result, he may conclude it is not worth talking to you since he never knows when a topic will lead to a controversy. You may win all the battles but lose the metaphorical war. 

Women tend to have much stronger emotions, imaginations, and feelings than men.  We love to share our stories and express our thoughts and feelings by talking through them.  Men, generally speaking, tend to be naturally wired to problem-solving when their partners want something simple.  When he finds no problem requiring him to fix, he has no idea how to relate the issue and tries to escape instead.  The woman regards the man as indifferent, and the man regards the woman as ridiculous.

A relationship is about communication.

When a couple is unwilling to communicate anymore, it’s a sign the relationship is at risk.

Life as a single is not lonely as long as you can be content with being alone.  What is scary is that you still feel lonely when you are not alone.

How to solve the relationship problem through communication now?

1)    Mind your emotion

Toddlers have tantrums.  Adults should solve problems.

You may demonstrate your privilege in a relationship to appear a surprising lack of self-control.

Working with the outside world is an act of communication and mutual respect.

Mind your emotion of anger, agitation, or resentment is demonstrating your fear.

The fear of being unheard.

The fear that you’re not good enough.

The fear that this might be the last chance to make everything perfect. 

Your frustration becomes complaints; grudges become insulting words; helplessness becomes sarcastic.

I am not trying to underestimate the ability of your husband to trigger your hot button. The thing is, never try to back-talk immediately. Pause before responding to verbal stimulus. Take a deep breath, pause before acting, and calm down the emotion.

2)    Mind your body language

Body language is more impactful than words. People receive 30% of what you say and 70% of how you say it. Your facial expression, gesture, and voice tone won’t tell lies. Sad faces generated sad faces, and smiling faces evoked smiles and happiness.   Bring the sunshine to your lover with your smiles. You are delivering a pleasant message to him that everything will be ok.

3)    Mind your words

Always remember that critical words cut people deeply. If you must say something negative, always be constructive. Make your criticism reflect your love and respect, not disappointment. When we use common words such as stupid, they carry a range of meanings from ill-considered to ignorant. 

How to reframe the words from negative to positive expression?

You are a jerk.

(reframe) I can’t quite understand your behavior.

You don’t care about me.

(reframe) You don’t care about the same thing as me.

You are an idiot

(reframe) You haven’t met my expectations.

You are relying on me.

(reframe) You want me to pay more attention to you.

You have no way to make it

(reframe) You haven’t got an effective way yet.

You are hopeless.

(reframe) You worked very hard and have just not reached success yet.

You do it wrong.

(reframe) I realize you have room for improvement.

Do you want to quit?

(reframe) You feel tired after holding on for so long.

Your outfit is ugly.

(reframe) This outfit is not my style.

4)    Technique of “Yes-No-Yes”

Change the perspective from “no-no-no” to “yes-no-yes”.

No-no-no

A woman is furious against her husband.

No=> You’re doing nothing all day long as if this family is none of your business. I am busy with chores and children. How about you? Playing video games is your full-time job!

No => That’s all. I can take no more.

No => The worst decision that I ever made was marrying you.

Yes-no-yes

Yes => Acknowledge his positive intent.

No => Make clear your bottom line without judging against anyone.

Yes => Make a win-win suggestion or promise.

For example:

Yes => I know you want to relax after a whole week of hard work (Acknowledge his positive intent)

No => The busy chores and the kid stuff drive me crazy. I desperately need to rest for a while. (make clear your bottom line)

Yes => How about I cook your favorite steak tonight, and you help me clean the toilet? (make suggestion)

5)    Mind your hot button

The hot button refers to the shadow of a specific person. Each person has their unique hot buttons. Jung suggested that the projection of the shadow happens when you see your shadow. When there’s a part of your mind that you can’t accept as a part of yourself, you project that fault or unacceptable urge onto someone else.  Being confronted with some undesirable or embarrassing part of yourself, you immediately see that quality in someone else.   That could explain why specific types of personas, behavior, or words can easily trigger your anger.

The Measure of Love is Peace. Peaceful Communication Solves Relationship Problems.

Turn the judging into curiosity and believe in positive intentions from your relationship partner. Always use the language of love to communicate with your partner, as it strengthens your bond. What are the five languages of love developed by Gary Chapman? They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

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How would you describe your communication between you and him?

Judging? Indifferent? Sarcastic? Appreciative? Or Caring?

How will you describe your feelings when communicating with your partner? 

Would you feel trust? Or have a distance? Or have a gap?

What is your no.1 biggest challenge you have when it comes to a conflict with your partner?

I would like to hear your thoughts on these questions.